YOU CAN'T SAVE EVERYONE

WHEN WE START FEELING BETTER, WE WANT TO START SAVING EVERYONE. IT'S NOT UP TO YOU TO SAVE THE WORLD. RIGHT NOW, IT'S ONLY UP TO YOU TO SAVE YOURSELF. WHEN WE GET FURTHER ALONG IN OUR RECOVERY WE WILL HAVE PLENTY OF OPPORTUNITIES TO HELP OTHER ADDICTS, BUT FOR NOW, YOU MUST BE CAREFULL NOT TO GET CAUGHT UP IN THE LIVES OF OTHER ADDICTS WHO ARE ALSO NEW TO RECOVERY. THE SAD THING IS, MOST OF THE PEOPLE WE MEET WHEN WE BEGIN OUR RECOVERY, WILL NOT BE CLEAN A YEAR FROM NOW, A MONTH FROM NOW, OR INSOME CASES, EVEN A DAY FROM NOW.
BY WORKING THE STEPS AND CHANGING OUR OLD DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS, WE BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND JUST HOW POWERFUL OUR DISEASE IS. IF ANOTHER ADDICT CHOOSES TO USE AGAIN, WE CAN NOT LET THAT WEAKEN OUR FAITH. WE HAVE STREGNTH IN NUMBERS AND WE NEVER TRY TO SAVE A SINKING ADDICT BY OURSELVES, WE GO IN GROUPS.
LET'S NOT DWELL ON HOW MANY ARE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT, BUT FOCUS ON HOW MANY MILLIONS OF US HAVE, IF ONLY JUST FOR TODAY. THERE ARE MIRACLES SURROUNDING US WHEN WE WALK INTO A MEETING OF 100 PEOPLE WHO SHOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD LONG AGO. I BELIEVE WE WERE SPARED SO WE COULD BE THE ONES TO CARRY THE MESSAGE TO THOSE WHO ARE SICK AND SUFFERING, THAT THERE IS A BETTER WAY, THERE IS A BETTER LIFE, THAT THERE ARE MANY OF US WHO ARE HERE TO HELP YOU. WE DO RECOVER!

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AS THE FOG BEGAN TO LIFT

As the fog began to lift, I would get passing glimpses of where this journey was taking me. They came to me internally; in my soul and at they would seem to release endorphines, although passing quickly at first. After about 4 weeks I
put in my first day of real work since about 5 years before that. I came back to my halfway house that afternoon feeling like a new man. It was at this point in my recovery that my faith took hold of me and I began to believe that I could do this.
I felt worth something and I wanted to contribute more and more. I sensed at that moment, that god had a purpose for me, and I would no longer stand in his way.
My memory was coming back to me in bits and pieces. I had been drugged up for so long that I couldn't remember who I was and what I use to be like. I knew I had hurt a lot of people , but for now that had to be left in the past. The time for making amends will come about when I reach that point in my recovery. Today was about taking care of Jay, because without me staying clean, I will be of no service to anyone. As soon as I had let go of the guilt that had helped keep me sick and using all these years, I was able to focus on the gratitude I had, for being given the blessing of being alive today, and of starting a new life. I was now on my way , and I had Faith that wonderful things lay waiting for me.

DON'T LEAVE BEFORE THE MIRACLE HAPPENS

I Had avery hard time sitting in the meetings for an entire hour. An hour seemed like an eternity to me, but i was told i needed to be there from prayer to prayer, which sounded like a religious cult to me. I soon found out that the prayers were about us asking for the power to change our lives, and the prayer at the end was for all the sick and suffering addicts inside and outside the meeting rooms, that they too shall find recovery and a new freedom from their self destuction. On one occasion I decided to step out for a cigarette. Another addict standing by the door placed his hand kindly on my shoulder and whispered to me these words that have stayed with me.
He said. "my brother, DON'T LEAVE BEFORE THE MIRACLE HAPPENS." He went on later to explain how If I step out of the meeting for any amount of time, I may miss the one thing I needed To hear that day, and that could be the message that could keep me clean just for today, or that could be the message that would save my life.

90 MEETINGS IN 90 DAYS

After spending 19 days of detoxing, and still feeling like sick, both physically and mentally, I knew I needed to surround myselves with other recovering addicts. I was living at a half way house and it was strongly reccomended that I attend 90 meetings in 90 days. At my first meeting I picked up a white key tag which represented surrender. I wasn't judged, as a matter of fact they applauded and hugged me and told me " don't pick up and keep coming back". They understood me. They were me , or atleast had suffered enough to wind up here with me. It wasn't a curse, as a matter of fact it was a blessing. I just had to stay clean "just for today" and I found with the people in the rooms and the meetings I attended, I was going to stay clean today...Just for Today

THE DETOX

Something was different this time. I kept praying, " god I turn my will and my life over to you. Please guide me and give me the stregnth and
the courage, so I may do your will for me." That day not only changed
my life, but gave me a chance at a new life. Still I was very sick and I
had a hard time with my memory. I couldn't remember how I had come
to this horible existance, and I couldn't remember what my life use to be like before or how long I had been lost in this other world.

I SURRENDER MY WILL

I sat there on the concrete bench, doubled over and trembling from down inside. I could hear people circling me, comforting me, asking me ," are you ready to surrender?" Inside the building there was a narcotics anonymous meeting going on. I had slept on the beach for the past couple of weeks and had run out of all of my drugs. Inside I knew, the only reason I was sitting outside that meeting hall was because I had hit rock bottom. I couldn't go on like this any longer. An addict named Tony and 2 other recovering addicts somehow got me into Tony's car and we made the 40 minute journey to a detox facility. Now the truth would be revealed. Was I going to leave like I had done on 2 other occasions, or had I really surrendered? Was I willing to do whatever it took to get clean ? Would I keep my faith and make it past the withdrawal pains?